


My Weakness

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Goes Back To Poe Dameron, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Death of Leia Organa, Fix-It, Kylo Ren Redemption, Lightsabers, M/M, POV Ben Solo, Past Torture, Redeemed Ben Solo, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22404601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: In which, after Kef Bir, Ben goes back to Poe.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31
Collections: Trope Bingo: Round Fourteen





	My Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Fork In The Road
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Finding a ship off Kef Bir was difficult, especially since his TIE Whisper seemed to be missing, but Ben knew where he needed to go. And when he landed on the planet where the Resistance Base was proper, he knew that he needed to swallow everything — pride, fear, everything that could conceivably get in the way — and simply do what he needed to.  
  
So he stepped forward. Even cornered by the defector, he didn’t flinch. (Ben supposed he deserved some level of vitriol, after what happened)   
  
Even though seeing Poe again, truly, made his pulse quicken — made him all but want to collapse.   
  
***  
  
“I’d like to talk with him,” Poe said. “Myself.”  
  
Ben couldn’t help, in that moment, but feel his breathing hitch — he doubted he was ready for that. For any of that. Still, he supposed that there was really nothing that he could do now. It was about time that he faced Poe. For what he had done. For what he could have done instead.   
  
The black-haired woman wearing an off-white uniform spoke up in that moment. “Are you sure about that?” she said. “He could hurt you...”  
  
Poe exhaled, if softly. Ben could feel everything emanating from him — a knowledge that Ben didn’t need a lightsaber to be deadly, a knowledge that he could be dangerous. And then, of course, a desire to reconnect. A desire to know everything. _You wouldn’t want to know everything, Poe,_ Ben thought. Already, he wondered how to explain any of this to Poe. Where he’d been. What he’d seen.   
  
“I know, Rose,” he said. “But I can hurt him back.” _If I have to,_ the unspoken message was.   
  
Ben swallowed. Already, meeting with Poe was going to be intimidating. Knowing what he’d done. Trying to make up for it. Trying to explain everything, including Rey healing him after she’d stabbed him. (That summed up their relationship all too well, didn’t it, Ben thought. First you stabbed someone, then you healed them. Their relationship was too complex to be called simply lovers or enemies. It was what it was)  
  
“You have my word,” Ben said, “That I won’t try anything.”  
  
***  
  
The meeting room was simple. That was what made it so very intimidating. So very encircling. Poe paused, seeming to be considering what to say. Where to begin, actually. “Ben,” he said. It felt odd, coming from Poe’s lips. That name that Ben had initially left behind. The name that he had initially hated. “Why did you do it? What were you thinking?”  
  
He didn’t have to raise his voice to communicate the sheer levels of anger and disappointment there. Ben already knew.  
  
“I couldn’t tell you at the time,” Ben said. “You never would have believed it. I might as well tell you now."  
  
And he told Poe. Told Poe everything. He didn’t know if it made him finally free, of course. He supposed he would never really know. But Poe deserved to know. He watched Poe, watched him even as Poe listened, too rapt, his hand twitching like he didn’t know whether to attack Ben or comfort him or both...  
  
“Luke did this?” Poe said, when Ben finished. “Luke...tried to kill you, when he had no problem redeeming Vader?” A beat. “All because you had voices in your head?”  
  
“You could say that,” Ben said.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Poe said. “I mean...it’s obviously not a pass for what you did, but — ”  
  
“I know.” Ben didn’t need Poe to absolve him. He supposed that he didn’t deserve it, after all. He could take Poe’s compassion, at least.   
  
“So,” Poe said, “Where’s your lightsaber?”  
  
“I’m afraid I...lost it.” A beat. “I threw it into the ocean on Kef Bir. I thought it was appropriate.”  
  
Silence.   
  
“You know,” Poe said, “You really didn’t need to go the extra mile, Ben.”  
  
“Well, a reformed Knight of Ren would look odd carrying a red lightsaber around...”  
  
Poe’s lips twitched. Faintly. It was clear that he was trying not to laugh.   
  
Ben, after a while, allowed himself to smile. Then, more seriously, “There aren’t any words for how sorry I am...that I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did.”  
  
“Why did you do it?”  
  
Ben explained. All the while, he swore he could remember Snoke’s low rumble, how the ex-Supreme Leader has threatened Poe. _“Would you prefer your precious pilot in my hands? It is amazing what the Dark Side can do to make your precious pilot break...”_  
  
Poe was still. It was clear that he was struggling with what to say. “Ben...”  
  
“I know,” Ben said. “I should have run away. I don’t know why I didn’t...”  
  
“I wish I knew what to say,” Poe said. "I can’t hate you. It would be easier if I hated you. But I can’t.”  
  
Ben was almost glad. Almost. Even as Poe’s fingers laid over Ben’s, and Ben’s heart quickened despite himself, he doubted he knew how he’d cope if Poe hated him.   
  
***  
  
Building a lightsaber, choosing a color, was difficult. Ben couldn’t choose a blue crystal. Blue was the color of his old life, before the cataclysm. Before Ren. Before everything. To think he’d been lost in the universe, alone in it, and only Poe and Ren helped — Ren had extended the same sort of feeling of _somethingness_ (was it a word? It was definitely a contrast to nothingness) that Ben had hoped to extend to Rey, and failed to do. Eventually, though, Ben supposed a silver color would be fitting enough. Silver, for healing. Silver, for one shade of gray — which he supposed he was, if dark gray. Very dark gray. He could choose, he supposed, who he wanted to be.   
  
It was before his mother’s funeral proper. Maz had reassured him that his mother “had done nothing any parent wouldn’t have done for her child”, and yet Ben felt like a murderer still. A stinking monster, a killer of both his parents, of so many people.   
  
_“You don’t get it, do you, kid?”_  
  
His father’s voice. Ben turned around, seeing his father’s apparition as clear and crisp as he was on Kef Bir.   
  
_“We’ve already forgiven you. I good as said it that day you killed me on the bridge. I forgive you. And your mother...I’m sure she forgives you too. I know it too.”_  
  
There were forgiving parents. And yet, Ben thought, there was the simple, honest fact that he didn’t deserve his parents’ forgiveness. Either one of them, really. The fact that they could forgive him...that was a blessing in and of itself.   
  
***  
  
It was after Leia’s funeral (and Ben thought Poe did a good job, considering that Poe himself looked like he was trying to hold himself together through the eulogy), after Ben had given his share of knowledge on Exegol as well as Palpatine’s resurrection, that Ben and Poe met in the conference room again. “You okay?” Ben finally said.   
  
Poe sighed. “Okay as I can be.”  
  
“It was my fault.”  
  
“She did it because she loved you,” Poe said. “You’ve got to believe that. Ben...she knew you. I know you too. There’s still...a whole oasis of good in you. Someone who believes in good, and beauty. I don’t think the First Order completely destroyed it.”  
  
A nod from Ben. “I hope.”   
  
“When I went to Jakku, when I was looking for Luke, I was looking for you too. And I think you were the worthier one to look for. I looked for you because I loved you, and never stopped.”  
  
Of course. Ben should have known earlier. So much earlier. The way Poe looked at him, the way Poe spoke to and about him...  
  
“I won’t be good for you,” Ben said.   
  
“I don’t care,” Poe said. “Let it happen. You are my weakness. You always have been.”  
  
Ben took Poe’s hand, clasped it to his heart. “As you are mine.”  
  
And in that, Ben thought, he’d found his strength as well.


End file.
